It all began with a pre-infomercial, pre-everything exclamation of,
"There’s got to be a better way!"
The thought soundlessly echoed throughout the swirling nothingness of inexistence, developing into doubtful regret even as the universe was steadfastly creating itself.
Was there, indeed, a better way?
Was all of this creation, possibly, for naught?
What would a voice sound like when sound itself hadn’t yet materialized?
Before any of these questions could have been properly answered, BOOM! The universe existed...but it wasn’t right. No, sir, it was as full of holes as a howler-monkey filled with 10-gauge buckshot.
Millions of years passed, and many attempts at quality-control were met with hearty acceptance at first, but the excitement then faded into a much more tepid, lukewarm response; A jesus here, a mohammed there, a buddha behind the bookracks, but none managed to give more of themselves then the static words torn from their un-updateable books. None were able to deal with the ambiguities of a Lived Life; to answer, specifically, any somewhat-to-not-at-all pertinent questions that the leadership-hungry masses might be asking, regardless of their personal-odour-issues.
Worry not.
Ryantology has arrived to squelch the queries, to help in any non-physically-demanding way that is possible if worked into a legitimate time-table, to answer both the questions asked and the questions almost-thought, to bedevil the non-believers and back-slap those in the know, to parry and thrust against the opposition comprised most certainly of out-of-date, mechanical replies from long dead "prophets"...do you really want to pray 45 times before you eat a cup of soup? Or would you rather just ask, as dear Sally did in this undated correspondence:
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Dear Ryantology,
Should I get an abortion?
Signed,
Sally
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Dear Sally,
Are you pregnant?
Ryantology
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Dear Ryantology,
No.
Signed,
Sally
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Dear Sally,
Then, no.
Ryantology
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It’s just that easy. No more rummaging through dusty books for insipid advice; no more canceling dinner plans to meet with some strawberry-eating, freckle-handed priest; no more wondering why "god" has forsaken you...all you need to do is ask, and you’ll get a litany of reasons.
Once the clear-headed has opened up to the Rightfulness of Ryantology, the creation and constant being of the universe begins to make a whole lot of sense, as do the boundaries of the Lived Life to the Unlived Life, even though, at this point, neither one has been properly explained...but that is neither here nor there, as allusion creates more than just mere suspense;
It creates belief.
And, coincidentally, internal fluid-buildup, usually centralized in the brain pan.
